Lust for life – by Bettina Arndt

….Found this in the 21Aug11 Melbourne Age as well.

Bettina ArndtI had heard the name but had never really bothered to delve a little deeper.  In fact I bought her book “The Sex Diaries” which the girly read but I neglected to pick up.  Will put it in line after I have finished the Game of Thrones series which has me tethered to its pages currently….

This article is BRILLIANT In My Humble Opinion.  She has managed to write a flowing statement about human sexuality which should be mandatory reading for couples and young people so they know what possibly lies ahead.   In fact, every human being should read and digest it and maybe then we might actually evolve a little in regards to our sexuality?

As you read this you will notice I have dropped in a few comments of my own.  I am a mere writing infant in comparison to Bettina but I feel so passionate about what she has said in the article I couldn’t help myself.  I have Bettina’s approval to reprint it here and I genuinely appreciate her giving it to me.

Please, if you have time visit her website and if you like what you see, which you will…please have a look at the forum…I am about to head there now for a look-see!

http://www.bettinaarndt.com.au/index.php

Thank you also to Fairfax and The Age for putting it up online.

Clyde

Lust for life
Bettina Arndt
August 21, 2011

THE 71-year-old virgin was a surprising volunteer for the sexuality project. As he expected, he didn’t have that much to contribute to my research on male sexuality, but his story was intriguing. Here was a man who hadn’t planned to miss out on sex and marriage but so wanted his first experience to be special that he’d waited for years hoping to meet the right woman. Despite plenty of dating, she never showed up. Hence he’d ended up on his own, spending his whole life struggling with his strong sexual urges.

Yet he now wonders whether he has missed out on all that much. He wrote eloquently about watching his friends go through the pain of marriage break-up or struggling to cope without much sex in their marriages. ”I’m not complaining. I’ve had a good life. There are no arguments in my household,” he said chirpily. Certainly no arguments about sex.

From the outside, life as a hot-blooded married heterosexual man doesn’t look much fun. America’s best-known sex guru, Dan Savage, reaches much the same conclusion. The wildly popular advice columnist is currently in the news as a result of a thoughtful profile published recently in The New York Times that focused largely on Savage’s attack on America’s obsession with fidelity.

Openly gay Savage, whose sex advice column is syndicated across the world in more than 70 newspapers and attracts millions more online, started offering heterosexuals advice about sex as a joke but quickly attracted a huge following with his hard-hitting, provocative take on bedroom manners and responsibilities.

He promotes mutual care-taking, suggesting both men and women adhere to his famous acronym GGG – all lovers should be good, giving and game. He writes at length about the relationship between low libido and monogamy. ”You can have strict monogamy or you can have low libido, Ladies, but you can’t have both.” But then he adds. ”Oh, and guys? You need to accept those tide-you-over blowjobs and handjobs just as cheerfully as she gives them.” That’s if she gives them.

Clyde says…ah relationships…never a dull moment.  For mine I see the answer being a little more emphasis placed on understanding the male sex drive.  Testosterone is ridiculously powerful and people must be educated about it because currently the head in the sand approach is not working with any number of issues arising daily that I am personally sick of hearing about.  Case in point…The Age, 26Aug2011, the world has a new Joseph Fritzl apparently, another bloke in Sydney who took over 1000 up skirt shots who has been caught, A Melbourne male yoga teacher has been giving internal vaginal massage…WTF?, and last but not least another fucking ADFA cadet taking pictures of showering females….?

We desperately need a comprehensive sexual education package in this country that should be taught at all school and be mandatory.  As part of this there needs to be a sexual communication module taught so that both males and females are a little fore-armed in regards to this entirely overlooked part of growing up.  Maybe a spin-off from this is that kids might actually be able to teach their parents a little…who knows?

When a New York Times interviewer Mark Oppenheimer suggests Savage’s views are tainted by the American gay male view of the sexual world, with its tolerance for pornography, fetishes and a variety of partnered arrangements, Savage responds that the male gay world simply expresses what men are really like when they don’t have women reining them in. ”Women, straight women, are in relationships with men. Doesn’t it help to know what we’re really like? Women can go on marrying and pretending that their boyfriends and husbands are Mr Darcy or some rom-com dream man. But where’s that going to get them? Besides divorce court?”

That’s where he is wrong. Faced with the misery of a lifetime spent dealing with the frustrations of monogamous sex-starved marriage, most men don’t leave. On my website forum, there’s a letter titled ”Do I stay or do I go” from a 40-year-old married man who’s gone for years without any sex in his marriage. The letter has attracted hundreds of responses, many from men urging him to go. He left, for a while, but then came back and is struggling on, trying to make his marriage work. Like most men who write to me, he loves his wife and children and feels he has too much to lose if he leaves.

Dan Savage is right in thinking that many heterosexual men share the same voracious sexual desires that have come to define gay male sexuality. But most are doing an incredibly good job keeping a lid on them.

Clyde says…This is where I wish there was a bit more effort put in by women to understand what the male sex drive is all about.  That unfortunately wont happen though until the day comes where a no side effect pill or injection can be given to women which will boost their sex drive to a level they have never experienced previously. My god I would love to be around if this ever happens.  Not for the sex but for the look on women’s faces when they first start to feel what a man feels mostly every day…!

Again, the only real way to change this is via better sex education.  Genuine education that seeks to make better human beings in the long term.

We hear constantly about men in trouble over sex. Men in trouble for not keeping their trousers zipped, for groping and harassing women, men caught out looking at pornography, or gazing at women in the wrong way. But what we never hear about is men’s restraint, the remarkable stoicism of current generations of heterosexual men who cop it sweet, despite their immense frustrations.

Last year The Sunday Age published a sweetly amusing story about men’s sexual fantasies, written by a man who describes himself as a ”respectable, married” man who has spent the last few years taming what he calls his ”inner goat”. There’s no place for hidden sexual yearnings in his proudly reconstructed world – he boasts he keeps his goat firmly locked inside a concrete pen, tethered to a post. Yet he ruefully acknowledges that sometimes it manages to escape and he finds himself mentally undressing a woman as she walks past.

The online responses to his article were intriguing – the men who applauded his courage and the women who condemned him for expressing such thoughts. ”Men, you could put your minds to much better use than fantasising about women you are never going to get … There’s something you can do: you can respect women and learn to control your pathetic, primitive minds. Meditation helps,” wrote one smug woman.

A male responder hit the nail on the head, summing up what’s happened here: ”While the feminists and soft men like to kid themselves that they are changing our nature, all they’ve really done is teach men to keep their mouths shut, while our minds still explore exactly the same topics they always have.”

There’s an interesting book – The Testosterone Files – written by a feminist writer who had a sex change and became a male. The author, Max Wolf Valerio, describes being blown away by the urgency of his newly acquired sexual urges, his constant sexual fantasies – sex is now food, he says. He cringes when he sees female audiences on talk shows pursing their lips, shaking their heads at sheepish male guests who are supposed ”porn addicts” or ”womanisers”. He’s shocked by women’s ready assumption of moral superiority.

”How to explain this to women?” Valerio ponders. ”There is this thing about men that they cannot completely know. Few people want to believe that there could be a real chasm, a chemically induced difference of sexual drive between the sexes. Few want to believe that there might be any difference at all that is not socially constructed.

”Now that I am Max, I see that this rift, this fundamental chasm between men and women’s perceptions and experience of sexuality, is one that may never be bridged.

”There certainly can be no hope for understanding as long as society pretends that men and women are really the same, that the culture of male sexuality is simply a conflation of misogyny and dysfunction. That the male libido is shaped and driven primarily by socialisation, that can be legislated or ‘psychobabbled’ out of existence.”

The strong male libido remains, even if the inner goat now must remain firmly tethered. Men live with up to 20 times the testosterone of women and that makes it very tough to cope with decades of monogamous marriage, particularly when sex is offered very reluctantly – ”like meaty bites to a dog”, as one man put it.

Again, I think the way forward is to continue shouting from the rooftops that there is a problem and that is that there needs to be balance in regards to sex.  The wonderful recent example I will use is just as the girly did the other day which I posted about…she met me in the middle of the bridge by asking if she could help me masturbate which was absolutely wonderful of her.  This sort of behaviour is all men need.  There doesn’t need to be copious amounts of sex…just a little attention every few days is wonderful and will lead to only better things for the both of you.  Bringing the male sex drive out of the closet has to be the focus going forward I believe and from there we can then find balance where both sexes are happy.

Lets leave the arguments and division behind and move forward with the understanding that yes we are different but we can help each other which only helps us all in the long run.  It is so simple yet I have not seen any real improvement in 40 years on the planet thus far.  Come out of the trenches and shake hands and lets move forward for once please one and all.

In the meantime though, we need a comprehensive Australian sexual education package that doesn’t pull any punches, is taught be teachers who can demonstrate a genuine desire to see things done better in regards to human sexuality and it must be mandatory for all children.  A few weeks of every semester, of every year would be wonderful so kids are being regularly bombarded with information about sex and relationships etc.  It would obviously have to start with a solid base and then branch out to cover all aspects of human sexuality giving both male and female children the knowledge to go forth and be happy in their skin and be able to interact with the opposite sex easily and if problems arise sort them out through communication with minimal fuss.

Yet most men are doing a remarkable job remaining true to their women. For all the talk about unfaithful men, most married men succeed at monogamy most of the time. Just look at the statistics. The Sex in Australia survey of almost 20,000 people found just 5 per cent of partnered men had strayed in the previous year. Now admittedly, these tiny numbers can add up over a long marriage or relationship, but while there are men who are compulsive philanderers, this wasn’t the case for most of the men taking part in my research who admitted to having had an affair.

The overwhelming majority wanted to be faithful and were succeeding, even though there may have been a lapse along the way – a one-night stand at a conference, a few weeks of illicit pleasure, or even an affair lasting months or perhaps a year or two. But nothing compared with the many years of restraint.

In one of Dan Savage’s amusing Q&A sessions with college students now available on YouTube, he argues men should get credit for this. ”If you are with a guy for 40 years and he cheats on you three or four times, he is GOOD at monogamy! Not BAD at monogamy. We think of monogamy the way we think of virginity – it exists until you f— someone and then it’s gone forever. We need to think of monogamy the way we think of sobriety – you can fall the f— off the wagon and still get back up.”

Men’s well-known urge for sexual variety has long been acknowledged by psychologists who refer to it as the ”Coolidge effect”. The name comes from a story about former US president Calvin Coolidge and his wife visiting a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs Coolidge noticed roosters mating frequently and inquired how often that happened. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.

”Perhaps you could point that out to Mr Coolidge,” replied the first lady.

On being told, the president asked the farmer, ”Does each rooster service the same hen each time?”

”No”, replied the farmer, ”there are many hens for each rooster.”

”Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs Coolidge,” replied the president.

All the evidence suggests the urge is hardwired – yet most men find ways of ignoring that itch, or diverting it into harmless pursuits like looking at pornography.

So many problems in the world could be solved if women would meet men in the middle of the bridge in my humble opinion.  Excessive pornography usage, marital problems, prostitution, sexual assaults and rape and the list goes on right through to out and out war and death and destruction.  I want to be optimistic but I understand that it will never happen until like I said until a medical solution becomes available.  And as for it going the other way and men getting their testosterone toned down…well, that might be an option too and I would be happy to see research done on this.

Harmless pursuits? That’s not, of course, how porn is presented. We are subject to an endless stream of people, mainly women, warning of the dangers of porn. Witness the recent visit to Australia of British sociologist Gail Dines, who appeared on television panels and at writers’ festivals describing in the most salacious terms the horrors of gonzo porn – gagging women, women whose anuses ”literally drop off their bodies because of anal prolapses”. She claimed mainstream porn was invariably vile, body-punishing, brutal, dehumanising and debasing.

Yet the truth is when men sit in the wee hours staring at their flickering computer screens, the big attraction is willing women, eager women, easy women – easy to bed and easy to please. ”Images of women hungry for sex with us, possessed by desire for us. Receptive women who greet our sexual desire not with fear or loathing but with appreciation, even gratitude,” wrote David Steinberg in an essay relating sexual scarcity to the male attraction for porn.

A research study looking at porn usage in Australia, published in The Porn Report, found most (98 per cent) of the best-selling porn videos are pretty white-bread and free of violence – in fact, the most popular mainstream internet sites are now the DIY amateur sites where thoroughly ordinary couples bonk for their webcams. My research suggests men turn to porn for good reasons: as a harmless outlet for their sexual curiosity; to control a sexual drive causing conflict in their relationships; to relieve sexual boredom; and as relief from the tensions of trying to please women in real-life sex.

Well said Bettina. 

There are, of course, high-drive women who struggle to live with their own rampaging inner doe. There are many such single women but far fewer in long-term relationships. There are also those who enjoy watching porn, who cheerfully spend Friday nights with their partners munching take-away and watching R-rated DVDs. Women who happily live in open relationships, or go swinging with their partners, or post their own beaver shots on internet sites. And there are women genuinely concerned about their partners’ frustrations. It’s just that these women rarely enter the public debate.

I recently received an email from a 60-year-old woman talking about her ”fabulous, amazing, caring, awesome, loving” husband who keeps harassing her to get involved in threesomes and group sex. She’s an intelligent, thoughtful woman who is perplexed about how to negotiate this difference in their attitudes. ”There is, I believe, a big difference between ‘just saying yes’ within the confines of a marriage, and agreeing to sexual arrangements that simply fly in the face of everything that you believe that sex is about.”

Her husband grew up in a very liberal sexual environment and had previously enjoyed open relationships. He’s convinced his desire for sexual experimentation is perfectly natural, but it holds no attraction for her. After much persuasion, she participated in a threesome with a male friend yet the pressure continues, with her husband seeking further get-togethers with other males and even sending a photo of her (clothed) to a potential partner. Naturally she was upset by this, but rather than rant about his behaviour, she wrote seeking simply to illustrate the difficulties of negotiating this divide between men and women.

I suggested she post the letter on my website forum, to generate discussion on this difficult issue. It attracted an immediate response from an angry woman: ”NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY (not even hubby) has the right to pressure you into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. A person who does this is not respecting OR loving his/her partner,” she wrote, tearing strips off the man for his unseemly behaviour. ”If that was my husband, and he continued to harass me over this, it would be grounds for separation and divorce. Red flags going off all over the place for me,” she added emphatically.

Naturally that served to shut off any real discussion. Few men would dare venture an opinion after such a tirade. That’s what happens all the time. Whenever anyone, man or woman, talks openly about how to accommodate male sexual desire, angry women close down the conversation. It strikes me as odd.

Again, well said.

Of course women have a right to say no to such activities but shouldn’t men have freedom to ask? Is it so very different from other areas where women feel perfectly free to try to persuade men into life-changing decisions – like buying a bigger house (involving him in an extra decade or two of mortgage payments) or persuading a new husband, a remarried father, to have more children?

A few months ago, ANU women’s studies students held a demonstration protesting about a talk I was giving at their university. They objected to me even raising questions about sexual obligation in marriage, suggesting such talk is dangerous for young women.

What nonsense. Closing down the debate on the vexed business of accommodating male and female sexual needs doesn’t solve anything. This is mighty tough stuff but it’s a conversation we must continue.

Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/lust-for-life-20110820-1j3ed.html#ixzz1Vdf9Ccov

We desperately need to evolve people.  Sexuality drives so many other things in our lives and if we could just sort it out, my god, the benefits would be amazing for us all. 

Clyde

Unresolved bedroom battles.

Found this on an inactive website.  Tried to search for and contact the writer but couldnt find anyone.  I hope they dont mind me pinching it for this blog.  I particularly like the bullet points below.  Have a read and see what you think?

Clyde

This is a Review of book “The Sex Diaries” by Bettina Arndt.

Therapist, media commentator and author Bettina Arndt advertised for couples to diarise their sexual lives for up to a year. Ninety-eight couples and individuals in relationships corresponded about the daily negotiations, power plays, battles and rare triumphs with their desire and satisfaction levels.

Allowing diarists to effectively own the book’s contents has inevitably placed focus on repetitive, time-worn problems in long-term relationships. Arndt’s suggested solutions to resolve desire and libido incompatibilities are simple but never easy and her subjects read predominantly as frustrated and confused men and bitter and angry women. The few women whose libidos out-grunt their partners’ and the couples who share satisfying sex lives are displayed proudly like endangered parrots – admired by those who appreciate their beauty but are targets to be shot down by a resentful adult population based on diarists’ convictions of the desire chasm between men and women.

Media commentary has honed in on Arndt’s suggestion that partners with the lowest sex drive — almost always intending women — ‘gift’ sex to their more highly-driven partners more often and, by having more sex, will realise it’s not so bad after all and garner enthusiasm. Exploration of consent issues and a discussion of rape versus obligation are sadly ignored. Why would – or should — a woman lie back and think of tomorrow’s schedule while her partner gets his fill in a half-hearted, barely-better-than-nothing way? ‘Should’ instead of ‘want’ advances neither gender’s sexual progress.

Arndt complements correspondents’ diary notes with interesting research into human sexuality, useful anatomy primers and extensive quotes from other works of a similar sphere. While the book at its onset takes a male-centric view of sexual frustration, Arndt is brave enough to call the bluffs of some women who blame busy lives and housework for low libidos but who admit they’d avoid sex if the house was sparkling. She also takes task with men who don’t learn that if one behaviour doesn’t work then trying it more frequently is self defeating, and shows that while monogamy is a societal expectation, affairs can have the side effect of invigorating desire.

I recommend the book to be read as a compilation of common relationship problems, and explored in conjunction with Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity for its analysis of human desire and heartening and occasionally radical exploration of maintaining satisfying relationships.

Then again, a million books can suggest change but nothing will occur unless everyone takes a stand against gender and sexual inequity in society. We have unprecedented permission to blossom and engage in fulfilling sexual lives but are defeated from the outset in myriad other ways. Women don’t hit their supposed sexual peaks in their late 30s-early 40s for physical reasons; it’s often because they’ve finally learned enough about their sexuality to know what works and the pending invisibility of middle age creeps up and accelerates the urge to screw without caring what others think.

  • Remove every piece of advertising that objectifies women sexually and portrays men as simple dolts who don’t do housework.
  • Kill off the alive-and-well double standard that sexually active and skilled men have experience but their female equivalents are sluts.
  • Bin the women’s magazines that feature unusually beautiful women on the covers and that prey on and encourage physical insecurity within their pages. 
  • Throw out the adult movies with grossly unrepresentative and passive women and use the web for home-made videos with real people enjoying themselves.
  • Continue teaching young people about sex education, health and pregnancy but allow them to learn about the lifelong pleasures of their bodies. 
  • Stop treating lesbian sex as less authentic as gay or heterosexual sex and drop the “she just hasn’t met the right man” ethos.
  • Do something nice for a partner every day and engender the relationship triad of love, lust and like. 
  • Acknowledge and encourage the awesome power of a woman in sexual flight.
  • Many men do not understand the female anatomy and pathways to orgasm and many women remain equally ignorant of their own bodies; women cannot expect men to find their way around if they do not themselves have the knowledge, confidence and freedom from judgement to know and say what they want.
  • Be open to considering non-traditional arrangements such as polyamory to inject new interest and sexual charge to long-term relationships.

Then, and only then, will a book start making a difference.

And a comment from Bettina Arndt

Hi there lt, I enjoyed your thoughtful review of my book. But I do want to point out that I didn’t invent the ‘just do it’ idea.

The proposal and the use of the Nike slogan comes from a well known American sex therapist, Michele Weiner Davis, who writes very sensibly about the problem of mismatched desire.  She argues desire is a decision—you can’t just wait for it to come, you have to make it happen.

So Weiner Davis poses the revolutionary idea that there’s no point worrying about the reasons why women aren’t interested in sex—there’ll always be plenty of them: squalling infants, stress, tiredness, irritation that he won’t help with the housework.  ‘Knowing why you are not so interested in sex won’t boost your desire one bit.  Doing something about it will’, she says.

Critical to this argument is recent research by Professor Rosemary Basson from British Columbia which has shown that many women do experience arousal and orgasm if they have sex without any prior desire.

Basson has found that women in long-term relationships may rarely think of sex or experience a spontaneous hunger for sexual activity.  So when they do have sex, they are seeking emotional closeness or intimacy with their partners or responding to his overtures, rather than being prompted by their own desire.  But even though they may not be ‘in the mood’ to start off with, once they start making love, these women often feel sexual sensations building, desire may start to click in and then they’ll want to continue.  The result is that they experience sexual pleasure and perhaps orgasm. Provided there’s a ‘willingness to be receptive’, the rest follows, Basson advises.

While newspaper columnists and bloggists complain about this idea, I’ve been swamped with mail from men and women who understand what I am trying to say and agree with it.

“Thank you for lifting the lid on this unspoken, sad fact of life that diminishes many of our marriages. I am a 30 year old wife and mother …It is with great sadness that my husband and I have watched as a trench has grown between us on account of the lack of sex in our relationship…We have finally got to a point where we realise we have been leading parallel lives and that things have to change. In my own bumbling way, I have come to understand that the onus is on me to instigate change in our relationship.

My husband will never demand sex from me yet I have the choice to just do it and to take the steps that I know will reap huge benefits for our relationship and our marriage.”
“I just want to thank you for your new book about men and women’s differing libidos! My husband and I have had mismatched libidos for years and it was a relief to know that we are not alone with this. Funnily enough, just before reading about your book in the paper I had come to the agreement with my husband (completely voluntarily) that I was going to make a greater effort, to break the horrible dynamic of pursuit/resistance we had got stuck in. After reading about your book, I really knew that we were on the right track. Our relationship has improved by a great quantum leap and our home is now a much more relaxed environment.”

I was never suggesting women should suffer through unwanted sex – simply that in a loving relationship it is important not to leave partner feeling constantly unwanted and undesirable.  And that applies to men too – I have plenty of female diarists complaining about male rejection.  This applies particularly to older men who often retreat from sex when they become nervous about getting erections.  I argue they too should ‘just do it’ .. make love to their partners with or without an erection.

Your readers might like to see the forum on my website – http://www.bettinaarndt.com.au – where there is a lively discussion of all these issues. Cheers, Bettina (Arndt)

We still have such a long way to go…

Check this out…I am so on a roll today with great articles that warrant linking PRONTO!
Yet another great example of how far we have to go to obtain genuine equality for all.

Quick pat on the back again to New York!

http://jezebel.com/5832230/store-refuses-to-sell-wedding-dress-to-lesbian-bride

I think the store manager, “Donna”, needs to get some help,…lots of help, and the sooner the better!

Clyde

Sexy cool science…I digggg dis.

Just found this on Twitter. Imagine being able to enjoy oneself and research your body at the same time….Kewl!
Hopefully someone comes up with a male version as well IDC.

http://www.sfbg.com/sexsf/2011/08/19/psigasm-explores-science-climax

and here is Maggie explaining the device today…or at least the link was posted today.

http://missmaggiemayhem.com/2011/08/21/the-psigasm/

We have tech that can follow you on your run, and count how many steps you climbed and show the results on a computer for you to check out later, now, there is or will be soon the PSIgasm. How cool would it be to be able to relax on a nice comfy bed and masturbate and then when you have regained your strength and are at the computer go back through the fantasy and look at where you experienced highs etc.

I think this is a great example of using tech to explore ourselves further….your thoughts?

Thank you to Ned Henry and MsMaggieMayhem on Twitter.

Clyde

Interesting article about Japanese society and sex…

Hmmm…have a read of this.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1818203,00.html

Interesting,… the stats say that Japanese society is one of the most sexless societies in the world primarily due to crazy working lives. Makes sense I think.

And what of “elder porn”, not exactly my cup of tea but it is for a growing number of Japanese???

I have had brief periods in my masturbation life where I have checked out mature women and hey, I have to say that at that particular moment what I am seeing has done it for me without any real issues thus far.  And will probably do it again and again until I pass by 70 years of age when apparently the male sex drive shits itself completely?

And those sales figures…I gather they are primarily figures of older men buying elder porn and hiding it away from their partner just as most men do which I have done to death in this blog thus far and probably will crap on about at some stage in the future again…

Tis all very interesting.

Clyde

More on the “sex offender” register…

In this state of Victoria in the amazing country of Australia we are fucking backwards…well in regards to the subject we are anyways….oh, and with cycling too (had to throw that in for good measure).

When you have magistrates commenting about how we have got this law wrong one would hope the government would spring into action and amend the law, but sadly no, that isn’t the case yet but I do hope that with consistent pressure the attorney general does something about it sooner rather than later.

Surely it is just a matter of “inserting clause here” that allows for magistrates to further define each specific case and thus not place certain individuals on the register or something like that.  I don’t bloody know but it really cant be that hard can it?

Check these links out…

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/judge-raps-sex-sentence-travesty-20110819-1j2ov.html

http://www.theage.com.au/technology/technology-news/sexting-punishment-is-unjust-says-magistrate-20110813-1isa0.html

The register is for sex offenders, ie: hard core sex fuck-ups who do really bad shit.  Surely though young men, ie: those in their teens and in the case of the soldier (20 years of age) are cases in which there exists a better than average chance that the individual will sort his shit out and rehabilitate completely?

Anyway, enough said.  I will watch with interest to see which way this goes.

Clyde

Patronage?

It has been interesting to note which of the eighty frickin nine posts I have churned out are those which bring people back time after time….

Guess?

Ah..yup…tis those four fantasies that bring em in like moths to a flame. Four out of eighty nine.

WTF?

May I therefore ask that those whom are returning time after time or even those new to AHOD that are enjoying the sexual craziness of my grey matter do post a short comment or even at the very least click the stars (RATE THIS) at the top of the posts to tell me that it is this one that is the post of posts.

Surely you can do this small task for me?

AES

This blogging caper is bloody great!

Hoi,

Just wanted to write a short post to say that this blog has been the best thing I could do to work through my frustrations in regards to a sex life that I consider pretty ordinary.  Sure I have had a few moments of greatness but for the most part I haven’t really had anywhere near as much fun as I thought I might.

As such I have carried on my back this great weight which I believe I am slowly exorcising off me, all thanks to being able to write about these frustrations, read other peoples blogs, articles and stories and walk a mile in their shoes to see if my frustrations are genuine.

For the most part I think I am on the right track but there are those of you out there whom would probably vehemently disagree?

Course I wouldn’t know if that is actually the bloody case because out the 600+ hits I have had on the page since starting it about 8 or so weeks ago I haven’t received one Australian commenter.  In fact, I have had two overseas comments thus far, once about circumcision and one about male abuse of females (and I thank both of those people for taking the time to put their position down for my perusal).

I still fully believe that Australians are backwards barely moving forwards in regards to sex and will use this opportunity to quote Julia Zemiro (a wonderful Australian woman and TV personality who when interviewed in the Sunday Age Life magazine in regards to her program that I believe has just finished on SBS titled Sex” An Unnatural History), stated “I think we have a certain level of prudishness.  Or the other way – we go beserk.  The French approach to sex is, I don’t think its in your face, its just direct…I just like how they are a little more out there about it – this is why we are on earth, this is the game of love”.

Well said Julia.

Anyway that is enough from me for now.  Will sit down with a nice strong latte or two on Saturday and post like there is no tomorrow.

Clyde

This Shits Me Up The Wall!

Australian sex education is pathetic.

Now that I have that off my chest, I am sure there are good examples amongst the shite that is peddled in the name of sex education but they are still few and far between IN MY VERY HUMBLE OPINION.

This is my opinion as amassed from what I hear, see and read and yes those sources can be unreliable.

Why is this so hard to fix people? Why isn’t anyone in power debating this issue?

Is sexuality not important enough or are we all just too embarrassed about it?

Case in point – I mentioned to a conservative mate today what my blog was about and it shut him down completely.

Just so you are aware, this is the same guy who vehemently debates with me in regards to anything political or strategic regarding Australia that is in the news but I shut him down completely, the first time ever.

He eventually came to me about a half an hour later and stated that he believed that this sort of stuff, ie: the stuff that I write about and link too on my blog should be kept to peoples private bedrooms.

FAAAAARK….CONSERVATIVES, no wonder we are so bloody backwards.

I found this via Twitter, thanks to @del_detriment for posting it and making me aware and really rather angry…

http://www.news.com.au/national/young-in-the-dark-about-sexual-health/story-e6frfkvr-1226117084063

AES would rather not get grumpy.

on same sex marriages and parenting…

Hoi, I am going to leave the arena of sex blogging for a wee bit, well one post to be sure, to write a little on the above mentioned topic.  I am no expert in this field but I do have the start of a sound opinion forming…read on…

At this current time with all that I know about men and women which really isn’t much in the greater sphere of things but it is enough I feel to lay down an opinion, I want to put my support behind same sex marriages and parenting.

Just found this today via Twitter http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1994480,00.html

To give you a little background I was raised in a male/female household with an amazing mother who held the family unit together as they normally do and to this day is the rock on which the family resides.
As for my father, well, lets just say he was a very angry man who had a complete fuck-up of a family unit that drove him out of the house after his mother died at a very young age to fend for himself.  He never received any life lessons from his father or the step-mother and thus he really struggled as a father when the time came.

Consequently I copped it big time, the anger, the aggro, the belting’s and as such grew to a man who turned 180 degrees from this sort of behavior and embraced quietness, gentle people and all things kind.

To this day, my father and I don’t talk because he wont admit he was wrong, nor can  or wants to understand why I am angry,  and I, the bearer of the olive branch for so many years wont meet him in the middle either because I am tired of the anger in him.

This is in a large part of why I guess I support same sex marriage and parenting. If I had been raised by two females or two males for that matter I would have got just as good education about life I feel and/or possibly better.  However this said, if it had been two females it would have been even better if I had a trustworthy male or two around to chip in every now and then with gems of wisdom about being a male and educate me about sex and masturbation, something of which I received no education on at all with my real parents.

I am not at all saying that a woman couldn’t educate me on these things as I am currently interviewing a woman who is raising her kids with their father deceased and this far with what she has said I think she is doing a wonderful job.  In fact I would argue she is completely on the money and you will be able to read this when I transcribe the interview.

I think it is imperative that in each situation a group of trustworthy friends needs to be around so that the child learns from them and can grow and make its way in the world knowing that it can ask a question if need be of whomever is around at the time with no fear of what answer will be given.

It seems to me thus that there is no need to have gender defined roles anymore, ie: male = dad, female = mum.

I would have been just as happy with a woman taking me to football practice and to games and for that matter wouldn’t have had to put up the aggro lectures after the game on what I didn’t do right, which is a large part of why I don’t really follow the great Australian game with any vigour anymore.

Just as for a heterosexual relationship, in a same sex marriage, as long as both people genuinely love each other and this can be communicated to the child as much as possible then he or she will grow up with the right start in life.  That is the key point to all this I think.

This is why we need to as a society push the government to vote on this in parliament and pass a bill that gives same sex marriages and parenting the same rights as a heterosexual couple.  Furthermore we need to stifle the church on this issue with a lots of feet on the ground because they wont hesitate to fight dirty which is exactly the reason why I am waiting as patiently as I can for the census results next year just to see what the breakdown in regards to religion is in this country in 2011 (another story for another day).

Bloggers of Australia, and of the world I ask you to write something on this subject which I hope is in the positive.  My great hope is that before I drop of the perch in 40 odd years this issue will be done and dusted.

Clyde

Repetitive porn…Women desperately required.

I am SO over this type of porn but the problem is that there is so bloody much of it. @wtfsexfacts on Twitter just tweeted that a porn flick comes out every 30 minutes and I would argue that most of these are absolute SHITE.

This is why I mentioned in my post “This Lady Can Write” that I couldn’t wait for the day when porn is just no longer written, directed and cast by men. Case in point, I just clicked on a link for a John Leslie film…I honestly didn’t know who he was but about 15 seconds into the preview I got the message and promptly killed the tab.

He is dead now apparently?? but if his last work is anything to go by he really didn’t do anything for porn other than produce movies in nice houses with women with big tits who tease the male star a bit and then capitulate completely allowing him to fuck them senseless in every orrifice begging for his come on their knees when he was done.

What a complete waste of film and or digital bits!

I made the transition from this type of porn to Ben Dover porn about 10+ years ago because I saw it as much hotter primarily because it had a little bit of realism to it.  Yes it was still a similar formula but the women seemed as though they were actually enjoying a little.  I even was educated a little by it.  In one scene a French man teased a woman so much and for so long that she was begging him to screw her and eventually took matters into her own hands and just jumped on him…fantastic IMHO.

I don’t watch those old tapes/DVD’s anymore now because I just do RedTube but even on there I find that I search for something that has an amateur feel to it.  I just don’t get anything from that big titted Los Angeles type porn (that is what I call it anyway, but it is produced all over the world I am sure) and have a very quick tolerance factor that tends to press the left mouse button and KEEL TAB PRONTO!

Check this out http://meetthemayhems.com/ …Tis something I came across via Twitter and could be interesting.  I am not going to say it is my thing at the moment but I will give it a shot and at least give them a fair trial.

Anyway, onwards we trawl.  Here’s to a day when men and women can enjoy porn, all types of porn that exites them and makes them open their minds to the possibilities in sex.

Clyde

 

Women and beauty…?

Please excuse me while I digress a little from the usual sexual tone of this blog but I think this issue is so important in the grand scheme of things, the river that is a woman’s sexuality that it needs its time in the sun NOW.

This subject is something that has always intrigued me.  And for that matter pissed me off a whole lot.  Have a read and see what you think. It is written by Lisa Hickey and is a bloody great piece of writing especially the parts about men not identifying beauty in anything else than a woman and the sentence where she states, “Can’t it be enough that I’m clean?”

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/beauty-obsession-men-and-women/

We need as a society (Men especially need to start talking, but will they?) to start thinking about these sorts of things and if we do en-masse the payoff’s will be extraordinary in that we might actually make a dent in the as yet unchinkable armour of women and their issues with their bodies.  Unfortunately most women as far as I know keep these thoughts tucked away hidden from sight, with the exception of a little venting to their closest friends.  Men/partners/husbands I would argue don’t get much of a download from their lady but then again, how many men really even think about or show any real interest in this sort of stuff???

Just imagine reducing eating disorders by half….?  Lisa states that approximately 65% of women have an eating issue….FUCK!

For me, the battle will be won when I can stand in an elevator with two or three women and not be overcome with perfume fumes.  I really detest how a lot of women smother themselves in perfume completely destroying their natural smell…why is that?  Don’t get me wrong, I am all for a little perfume but would rather it be used sparingly and only occasionally….that’s just me though.

I just want to smell a woman and if I am fortunate enough, taste her, sweat and all. I find it extremely sexual and love it when a woman can just be happy in her own skin.

Anyway, enough of my crap. Please read and talk about this issue. Just another area where we desperately need to evolve a little.

I need to work on this post more but it is going to take time and a few re-reads…until then comments would be very much appreciated and will help me in forming an opinion that matters.

Clyde

on Male contraception…

Hi’ya all,

Was just cruising around Katherine Feeney’s CityKat blog and found this little gem, an old post but a good’n – http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/blogs/citykat/male-contraception–why-so-taboo-20110609-1fuq2.html

Why is male contraception so taboo?
I mean seriously, how many men really wear condoms?

I would argue that it is about 50% of all men having sex and that figure may be on the generous side.

I certainly am no angel, as I try when the girly and I are in bed to not wear protection because it just diminishes the pleasure of the act by half. I know I should but the whole thought of the possible pleasure that I could be missing out on just convinces me to vote bareback.

If indeed the injection mentioned in the link above does prove to be a winner I will get it instantly as that will take a great load of my mind knowing that I can fuck as much as I want with benign baby batter. Also, I will be able to look my partner in the eye and say, babe’s you are safe from possible pregnancy because I am carrying the load for once just as you have for all these years.

So men reading this, we can do better.  We, in the future need to take out turn looking out for our partner(s) so watch this space for more news on the injection and or a male contraception pill that is ridiculously well overdue.

Clyde

This lady can write…

Thanks to Eva for her permission to spread her work freely.  Also check out the Australian Sex Party website while you is there!

http://www.sexparty.org.au/index.php/blog

This is a great blog about being a young woman in the 90’s who wanted to explore her body and all of the amazing feelings that it was giving her.  It is really bloody well written and is a credit to her, I hope you like the story as much I did.

It illustrated to me that I have had it so easy in being a boy. I used to check out porn stores occasionally to buy some new masturbation mags or a video if I had a video machine nearby and never blinked an eye as the decor was pretty much aimed at males which unfortunately at the time I didn’t really understand.

I remember once sussing out a few stores in Fyshwick which were stocked to the roof with porn of every type and possible fetish which only served to confuse me more.  At that stage I was moving towards anything with a “real” flavour to it having had my time sussing out the craziness of the Private etc video’s where women were treated like shit which to this day leaves me with a fucked up taste in my mouth.  I feel so sorry for all those beautiful Eastern Block women mainly who were promised the world probably just as long as they opened their legs and received sometimes numerous cocks in every orrifice for as long as was required.

Maybe I am wrong in stating this but knowing men as I do I am sure they werent exactly treated like princesses?

Hopefully we will see an end to male dominated porn one day and preferably the sooner the better.

Clyde

p.s. Eva, do write again with what happened next re: working in the store????